If you go on any dating app and sweep through the different females looking for a man, one consistent request you’ll see in their profiles is honesty. It is one of the most desired traits (or so it seems). And when you speak to women, one thing you’ll hear is that very few of them have received the experience of total honesty and transparency from ANY man they’ve ever dated.
This is amazing when you think about it. A woman could have been on hundreds of dates, had multiple relationships and many encounters with men, yet they say that receiving honesty from a man is as rare as finding ancient artefacts in your garden.
Many girls question and wonder why men ‘just can’t tell the truth’. So in this article we’re going to break it down so you can understand the motives behind lies.
First off, when people lie, it’s usually to get something. They want to attain a benefit, or avoid losing something. And they’re willing to lie to achieve this goal. In relationships, both men and women lie to attain extra benefits or avoid some sort of conflict.
Sometimes, being truthful compromises comfort. Being honest can bring some form of loss that they do not want to deal with. They don’t see being truthful as being beneficial enough for them to go through the chaos to avoid being a lie. Simply put, lying is easier.
Perfect Example of a Liar: Derrick Jaxn
A lot of the time, lying is easier because of the other person’s inability to handle the truth. And this is something we see with relationships today. Take the 2021 cheating scandal of Derrick Jaxn for example.
Derrick Jaxn is an online dating coach who gives advice to women. For years he gave advice to women telling them to go for a type of man that every woman would love to have. The problem was that the archetype that he was selling to women was one that did not exist in reality. He created an image of a perfect guy.
Jaxn advised women that if they don’t hold out for the type of guy that panders to her in an argument or one that appeases her even when she’s wrong, then they are settling for a guy that doesn’t deserve them. He also spoke down on polygamy, stating that men should not use their polygamous nature as an excuse to not be monogamous.
Of course, this fairytale narrative sounded appealing to women and he built his brand off of such advice. He was taking advantage of many women’s desire for a mythical man.
Fast forward to 2021, years later it was found that Derrick Jaxn had been cheating on his own wife multiple times. The image he had created, which was an obvious lie, was not one that even he himself could keep up with. He was exposed and there was outrage on social media. His followers felt frustrated as they had been misled by all of the advice he had given.
However, the scandal reveals the truth behind their outburst. Many of his female followers are not upset that the image he created was a lie. Most of them knew deep down that this mythical archetype never existed.
The Fantasy is Alluring
Much of the outrage stemmed from the fact that they were now forced to let go of a myth that was so emotionally satisfying. The fact that they could have been so easily swayed by advice that was so clearly biased exposes how quick women swarm to lies that are mentally comfortable. Even after him being exposed, there will still be many women who haven’t severed their mental attachment to that archetype, even though they know deep down that it doesn’t exist.
And this perfectly explains why men lie to women. Many modern day men have simply learned the myth which women want, just like Derrick Jaxn did. And they sell it to women. In exchange, a woman buys access to the feelings that the lie produces with the currency of her sex.
The fantasy of their mythical man is so enticing that they will accept lies from guys that act as if they can be that man. Many women deep down know that their partner is lying to them. But they don’t question it as this would destroy the myth, in much the same way that Derrick Jaxn’s scandal did for his followers.
Don’t believe me? Just look at the amount of women who will say on social media that they don’t want to check their man’s phone because it may cause them to ‘not want to eat for a week’. If they really believed that their man was who he said he was, why would going through his phone cause such distress?
This doesn’t excuse men lying and cheating. Men who lie are immature representations of what a man is supposed to be. Honest expression is a vital component of what makes a mature masculine man.
You could go as far to say that a man who lies does not deserve the title of being a man. He is still a boy deep inside of a grown body. However, this concept does explain why immature men are dishonest.
The Truth Hurts: Kevin Samuels
Let’s look at the example of someone who is the polar opposite of Derrick Jaxn: Kevin Samuels. Samuels is an online dating advisor who speaks directly to women (and men) through live calls. When a person asks questions about what type of partner they should expect to realistically attain, Kevin answers truthfully.
Unfortunately (depending on how you look at it), this means that Kevin must honestly tell them their limitations. For example, if a woman is a single mother then naturally this will affect her experience in the dating scene.
Problematically, this doesn’t sit well with the emotions of the person listening to this. The truth shatters their ego and hurts their feelings. They do not like seeing themselves in a way that is less than perfect. Since hearing truths doesn’t conform to their fantasies, instead of being appreciated for his honesty, they lash out in denial of his honest assessments.
It must be mentioned that Kevin’s approach of brutal honesty has also led to him being attacked by thousands of online haters. They believe that he is too harsh. In reality, it’s not that he is harsh, because he’s just telling the truth. It’s that the truth itself is harsh and they do not like the reflection of the mirror. His truth shines a light on their imperfections and insecurties.
If he were to lie and cater to the fantasies of their ego, he would be doing the very thing people say they hate: lying. This is exactly what Derrick Jaxn was doing, and he was loved for it. But since Kevin tells the truth, it makes people uncomfortable. So the question is do people really want the truth?
You can’t just want the truth when it suits you. Either you want the whole truth and you will be ready to take what comes with it or you will get with a liar. The problem with the second choice is that you risk the situation imploding when the truth comes out. Whatever a person chooses, it’s up to them. But they cannot have it both ways.